Bloodspill2117

so i made a new deviant account. its candistro2117 sooooo look up candistro2117 and follow me there instead of bloodspill. i have a instagram under the same name, candistro2117. its like my new name for everything. so friends come find me or i will find you!!!! although i wont be able to post much or any art any time soon

so im trying to life right now. its hard. the struggle is real , but im making it. im thinking about making a new account. if i do i will post in on here for everyone. i miss being on here. but yeah so much has happened omj 2014 sooooo much! i cant possibly write all about it right now!

So I've moved from my preciouse home and away from ky terrific friends.  But I'm going to try to be positive about this new change in life. A chance to start fresh. Ahh who am I kidding. I hate this. I refuse to make any new friends. I love my old friends. But they are still so supportive and loving. I guess I'll just have to cope with drawing. That always works very nicely.

Sadness confusion madness angered and the list goes on. I'm back to school with my lovley friends whom I dont even deserve, with their love and kindness. I still feel depressed because my parents just don't understand and assume things. And I'm so confused because sometimes they don't give me a clear answer, or even no answer at all. They don't listen or let me finish and I seriously like this guy named arnold but my parents assume things and won't listen to me and I swear I can't take it sometimes. I actually cut myself, like a small scratch really, and it felt awesome. But I don't feel so bad because I have my loving friends that support me and make me feel like life is worth living. Yet honestly I don't deserve them. I'm a peice of crap friend.

Why? some people ask if there is a god. i know there is, but i think he hates me. like i got kicked out of school because I've missed too many days cause i have a liver disease and a low immune system. and i cant got back to that school apparently and i hate it. i love that school. i love my friends, and currently i LOVE this boy at school, but not i cant go. that's another thing. I've been trying to talk to my dad about this boy i like and like, i cant because he is either too busy and i'm too much of a damn pussy to ask about it. and then, i wonder why this happens, what did i do? do i deserve this? is it my fault? of course you will say no but wheres your reasoning. like i try really hard not to cuss, i don't steal, i'm not a whore, i try to be a good person, a good friend, a good student, a good daughter, but i guess i'm not good enough. like maybe i don't belong here, or i'm not good enough to be here. once again crying is my new hobby, i love crying. i also think i have emotional/mental/suicidal problems. like i'm so emotional, and not just when its my time of the month, but i feel like sometimes i might burst into tears at any moment. i could be sitting there eating cake and enjoying my day and then just get all mad and sad, and then a flood of tears come. maybe im bipolar. and when i feel really panicked, i wanna puke, same for if i get really excited. and i don't want to say i'm suicidal, but i find myself thinking about death more than anything else. actually death is the second most though about thing in my head, my first is this boy, named Arnold Mosley, that goes to my school. i love him so much it hurts. i hope i spelled his last name right. but like i was saying i don't want to die because of Arnold, and my dear friends like roxus, charlie, hunter, Thomas, Savannah, cera, mikitara, Rebecca, well there is too many to list, but rather wish that i just was never born or would just die. im so emotionly confused. i only wrote about this to ease the pain, its true writing about hings helps you feel better. but also fixing them does too.